Tempted

I really don’t know what to write.

I really want to write.

With just that, I can say I am satisfied but I know there is more to come.

The temptation.

I am tempted to commit an act of literature but not sure how to attack.

It may be a vicious encounter as I am frustrating by the word.

This isn’t what I really want to say. I am wasting – just wasting.

But these are words I realize.

Though these are words, I realize there still remains that tiny knot of tangled unsatisfaction and separation of me a few months ago when I loved to write.

Maybe that was when topics mattered.

Maybe topics don’t matter.

It is the temptation that is vicariously written through us.

Since I am tempted

I am okay.

Distance

To infinity and beyond…

I mean literally.

It’s been a while since my closest friends say they’ve seen me

Only a few miles away from each other

Yet strangers.

I’m not complaining.

Please, take your time giving me time.

And who’s counting?

Only the measurements of distance are important

As my mind wanders on the numbers…

Give me time

Dear

My heart is currently in the process of being broken. It’s like falling in a dream. Slowly, but surely I will hit rock bottom. This has happened before but it made me an entirely different person. It made me – me. I am afraid of what the outcome would be. I am completely alright though. This isn’t a new experience for me. I should hate the person that is doing this to me (for the second time) but I don’t. I actually miss them and want to be nothing but a friend to them once more but I think it’s too late. When the thought of it being too late crosses my mind all of that sad energy quickly turns into bad energy. Hate. I wan’t everything that can possibly ruin this persons day to occur everyday. I want your birthday to not go as planned. I want everything to remind you of me. I want you to reach out to me and regret it as I have to you. I want you to know that I only think of you when I think of the people who ruined me. I regret meeting you even though we’ve had some great times. I can’t wait for the day I’ll hardly remember you. The day your memory doesn’t phase me. The day I’ll show you selfish with my last breath. But right now…if you text me I’ll instantly respond. I’ll apologize one more time. I’ll make it work a second time. I’ll suck up to you. I’ll forgive you. Because I am just that easy going. Typing this I feel like I am becoming who you are making me become already. I feel strong and experienced. I feel more hate for you now. I can’t wait to get over you.

another twisted turn

I couldn’t even open my eyes

As if it made a difference

The smoke seeped through the lining of my lids

Unwelcoming, it sizzled my eyeballs as if I were dinner to carnivores.

I stopped fighting it as I realized a bunch of breathes too late I was tiring out faster than I was actually capable of

“Hold just a little longer.” I try to convince myself. I am the only  one in the room who is routing for me. As much as it kills my confidence, I try to stay focused. Bad enough my vision is shot…if I inhale just a few more breathes, my soul will disintegrate, be in worse condition than it was when I arrived. Arrived to this dark pit, made of stone,  coated in dust. Huge, open windows- pitch black on the other side. If I could guess the interior color of what looks like is an abandoned castle from who cares how many years ago, I would say purple. An old, dark, dusty, stale purple.

I need to move. I need to crawl towards a doorway.  When it finally hits me that my life is on the line,  I begin to fight all doubts I have which is probably more than the country has towards individual presidential candidates. My inner speech is rambling. What am I even thinking about. I am blanking out with the hopes of snapping back to what I last remember about the most perfect reality. Everything was perfect. Everything was green and the air was clean. Each day was a refreshing experience we wouldn’t mind reliving.  I almost stop myself once again, feeding into the crowds energy. I continue to strive until I make it. I realize how hard it must be to be an athlete. All those people broadcasting how much they don’t believe in you at once. They’ll even place their bets on your success without caring that they joke about the most important thing in your life. My coughs are becoming more intense. ‘I got to get out of here’ I stupidly remind myself. Here’s the door. I pray this is a push door as I have not an ounce of hope to pull that old-age wooden, 12 foot door.  I approach the doorway and surprisingly but proudly stand on my own two feet. I throw my complete body mass against the wooden fixture, opening the doorway to what I wish I’d knew be my last breath…

Empty

 

 

I don’t have it in me, yelling as I plead

What a force I noticed surprisingly

So invisible yet strong

Again, I don’t have it in me

I want as much as it wants from me at this point

I’m not exactly sure what that is but I will literally die trying to find out

What’s expected?

I never won a raffle but am picked to present something so specific

It forces me to explore my talents

What needs to be done

My mind wanders

A lot

The country’s a mess

Weather is fucked

As I skip my lunch break

There are those who don’t get the opportunity

I don’t have it in me to do nothing more but to just be aware

Why me? I confusingly ask myself

The not so lucky winner

Me

Kids are laughing and parents are grateful

Whilst mine saddens each second from the sideline

Aloof

I have yet to find answers to my own innocent questions

Isolated

I concentrate

Then I act

I am done! I explode

Exploded with joy

I am content

Ignoring its speech

Finally fade back to reality to catch its final words

It was in you this entire time

You found the reason that I gave you

Your worrying thoughts

To my dismay

So worth the scare

So you,

So poetic

 

Death Too Soon

I smelled your energy

It smelled, bad

I suffocated and now I am blinded by the gates so pearly

Hoping to get through to you

Can you see what you’ve done

I remember you go to bed late, that is around one

Maybe I should drop in

Upset your biggest fear

You put me here and now I’m feared

I was raised to avoid you

And your kind

I am obedient

But you are an intruder

I’ve been robbed of the only thing that is free

Where is my second chance

nonexistent

If I can go back and fight

I still wouldn’t

I’d go back and run

I am familiar with your essence

I can no longer be a victim

As I can no longer be

 

good morning

I got to witness the sun come up

I usually do. The most beautiful thing to me is watching the transition from night to day. Not so beautiful…watching day fade away. When I see sun, I see a new beginning. A new start that lasts long because we’re awake to witness. Then night comes we know everything will soon end. We leave our friends, our jobs, we leave as everything is closing anyways. Time to settle down…we adjust. Time for our final meals..time to wash ourselves and rid our bodies from any harmful substances captured during our times today.

Radios are turned off, T.V’s turned down. If we’re not using that room, we cut the lights off. If the doorbell rings we are surprised because we weren’t expecting at this time. “Who in the hell?…”

That’s when we notice the little trust we carry throughout the dark times.

Good morning with joy. Here is the light that leads. The light that reflects off the angels so they stand out. The light that lets us know there is no need for a clock. As refreshing as a shower, to utilize natural light saving money on power. The light that begins a new day…new life. The light that determines the weather. The light that gives us trust.

5:28 P.M

Good Morning

 

Rush

I can not remember me in grade school. I can hardly remember the person I was throughout high school though I graduated only less than 5 years ago. I only see a blur. Foggy visions of my past. I don’t get the chance to say I want to relive any particular moment in my life because I can’t remember. I don’t think it’s fair. Why do I have such bad memory? I almost believe I become a new person every few months or so. How many lives have I lived? The only thing I have to hold onto is the mere presence and hope for the future. Everyday, I become who I am today. Whoa, maybe it’s why I can never stress. I wonder always how I became this happy entity when there is so much garbage, pollution, toxins, bad…bad energy surrounding us. I even contribute to it all just by breathing in and out. I am maybe the little help that purifies our area. Just by being a brand new person each day. I never met my angry self. I’m afraid to…now. My anger is quickly suppressed by my smile. Not so white pearly whites but love to be shown off. My smile is what people always notice, first. Then, my happiness. I now can understand why. Those are the people who indulge in all the crap that I.. me… surprisingly stand out to them. Even friends ask “how did you become this?” …… I can’t remember my friend…how’d we even meet?

 

So What, I’m Selfish

I only know myself. My friends don’t know me. I’m surprised I know me. I love my family. My family thinks they love me. I am nonexistent. I’ve gone incognito. Who I portray is a fine gal. Who I am is even finer. I can’t, I won’t, let you, or anyone in. I have to savor this personality. I have to protect this soul. I can not share this body. I refuse to be compared. I refuse to be known. I am unique. I love to not be familiar. I agree.

 

“Tell me about yourself.” I’ll gladly share some food with you. I can’t share the only thing that makes me…ME. What if you like who I am and then decide to pick up my habits, think my thoughts, view my view? I can probably care less about what makes you, you. I am probably scared to find out what makes you, you as it may alter me. I’ve worked hard being this bright, outgoing, optimistic, people person who no one truly knows. I never ask. Usually they just tell it all. I love that I am still trusted. I wish I can seek the trust you all seek. I think I am jealous. But I am different. I am satisfied with who I sought to be. I credit those that help make me. Without you, there is no me. Without me, you’d still be you. I’d probably leave this earth unnoticed. I am alright with that. I think I mastered the humble being. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am gone already. I actually can’t wait to go. To my friends and family: if it happens too soon….so what, I’m selfish.

Heads Up Karma

What comes around goes around. That is for us believers of karma. Sometimes I wonder though, would karma know when not to come around?

Okay, what I’m trying to say is…can we settle our own wrong doings and it be recognized by the force of the universe itself?

Or would karma still have to, or just automatically play its part?

Here’s a crazy example: if I killed a person and got away with it, spent the rest of my life saving lives, would karma see it as a fault that I am making up for and decide to not get me killed or thrown in jail? Or would karma say “whelp,  what comes around goes around, everyone knows that” and I’d have a rude awakening approaching?

 

Personally, I believe no matter how harsh our actions, as long as we sincerely make-up for it or become/commit the total opposite of our actions, we’d be saved from karma’s wrath.

What comes around goes around unless we turn our lives around. Heads up karma!